on the shoulders of giants: the engagement story

Almost two years ago, I sat in a college cafe with a (VERY ATTRACTIVE) freshman, and we talked about giants.

We talked about standing on the shoulders of giants. As our stories unfolded in the captive audience of one another, we marveled at the blessings in our lives. Practically strangers, we talked about our families, and those who had gone before us-- that their greatness had paved the way for us, had given us the opportunity to go even further, because of all that they had struggled through before us.

Those are the poetic musings of Anne Marie; the reality is, I sat across from this man and marveled at his heart. And frustratingly tried to stop thinking about him. Reality, in reality, was hard. So much happened that can never be fully shared or explained-- two months of beautiful friendship building, uncomfortable stretching, and trying to figure out what we both wanted, and where we were called.

Discernment, for so many, seems to require hours of sitting in the chapel, begging for an answer. For us, discernment came as we entrusted our selves to the Lord, and He just moved things along. There have been decisions with gravity, but we've really never had to linger in the unknown; we've simply pushed into what's been offered, and we've seen the Lord do mighty things.

Speaking of poetic: the poetic, full-circle mastery of God in our relationship is unreal. It's SO unreal, and I'm so at rest in the sacredness residing in its fullness between Colin and I. Even our families, and those closest to us, don't get the full picture; and what God is doing in us, in our relationship, is far beyond any words I could give.

However, all of that being said, there's so much beauty (and there have been so many sweet questions!) within our recent engagement (!!!!) that is definitely not for us alone. Our imperfect story is bigger than us, and also hidden within the very depths of our hearts. It is a story of a faithful Father who gives his children good things.

I can't tell you every detail of our relationship, or even engagement; but I'm sharing what I'm sharing to glorify Him, and perhaps open up other hearts to seeing His goodness.

Writers, seriously: write things that you don't publish. These are the things for which you have your gift, as much as for the things that get hundreds or thousands of clicks and reads.

So.

Our engagement story begins with our story: those two kids in our university cafe, eating french fries and drinking a milkshake, and talking about every aspect of life for three hours before they got kicked out at midnight.

I've written before about the St. Therese novena that I prayed, for an undistracted and undivided heart, and even before that, my struggle with believing that God didn't just ultimately disappoint us, and before that-- blowing kisses to my future husband as a little kid, and praying for him so much.

The thing that gets me the most, is that the very same God was present in all of those moments, tucking them away in His heart, brimming with excitement for how He was going to show me His presence, all along.

After I prayed the St. Therese novena, and had let go of everything, and found that there was still emotion and attraction and (most especially wow) so much grace, and Colin and I both began to realize that God was calling us to something bigger than ourselves: he randomly decided to give me a flower that his pastor had sent him.

A flower, from Lisuex.

What I haven't written about is what was on the back of that paper that the flower was pressed to: it was a note about what would be the Oratory of Mary Magdalene. This incredible priest was about to begin construction on a perpetual adoration chapel, where his intent was for God to be worshiped forever. The interior was going to be based on the Song of Songs, as interpreted through Mary Magdalene.

Wow.

Both of those are huge for me; Song of Songs was where I first realized that Jesus was actually pursuing me, and the story of Mary Magdalene is where I found deep forgiveness and acceptance in His eyes.

As the months progressed, and all of the messy came forth in our hearts, we dove deeper into grace, forgiveness, and mercy. As our private battles began to merge, deeply affecting one another, we pushed forward.

We began to talk about marriage last June, after almost a year of dating. It was funny: a random older person who didn't really know us told us in prayer that we weren't supposed to think about marriage. And that hit me really hard, and unsettled me, and did not bring me peace. I kept giving it to Jesus, but I realized-- my heart actually really desired to marry Colin, and I actually really wanted to talk about it.

Last summer was a blessed time, and we did talk about it. And desire it. A lot. I decided then that I was going to stay down in Florida while he finished up school, and I realized as soon as I'd verbalized that decision, that I actually wanted to be with him and marry him way more than I wanted to pursue anything that I'd ever dreamed of before.

Something that I've realized is that engagement is a season that's portrayed as a fairytale surprise: he battles the dragons, gets down on one knee, saves the girl, etc.

But for us? The season of engagement came upon us as something that we really worked towards. It wasn't about a flip of a switch; it was about learning each other's rhythms in battling those dragons. It was about building resilience, building maturity, and listening to Father's heart.

There were times over the last year that I was frustrated that we weren't engaged yet, because we both wanted to be married. But wow, am I thankful for this last year now in ways I could never share. The Lord was building something mighty in both of us. He was making space, He was stretching us, He was refining us.

There isn't a formula for readiness. One of our favorite professors, Dr. Maria Fedoryka, shared with us that the life states must respond to the rhythms of the heart. When that doesn't happen in a timely fashion, things can get messy. So, there's this balance, and that's why it requires prayer (every. single. day.): there's a period of growth towards, but then there has to be the movement, the risk, the jump. Fear can't be the driving force in waiting; it has to be the good of the beloved.

Anyway.

We set our wedding date back in February, because we knew that we wanted to get married, and we knew that we wanted a specific bishop to marry us. We saw this family friend at an event, and ended up asking him if we could set a date for May or June of 2021.

And wow, just like that, we had a wedding date. May 29th, 2021. Nobody knew it except our parents. Kind of crazy.

The weeks went on, and Jesus just kept moving junk out of our hearts, and bringing us closer together. Spring break hit, and I ended up going to Mexico on a mission trip, and Colin went home.

Little did I know, when I was praying for him in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe, he was talking to my parents and getting a ring.

So! Fast forward.

After being at home for two months when classes went online, I graduated (yay for the covid class of 2020!), and moved back down to Florida to start my job. Before I left, Colin told me that he wanted me to come back for the weekend of May 29th. He called it our "reversary"-- a year until our wedding.

I said, okay, fine. Almost two weeks after he dropped me off down south, I flew back up to see him. He told me to bring a fancy dress ("Like my formal dress?" "Uh...sure!"), and that we were going out to dinner.

Friday, May 29th, 2020 rolled around.

Lest you think that we're perfect, I spent 45 minutes curling my hair and it wasn't working, so I was in a bad mood and pretty much slammed the door on him. We ended up missing our planned confession trip because I took too long, but in incredible Colin fashion, he made me breathe, and everything was fine.

We went to dinner, and it was so good. We always joke, whenever we go out, that we're going to sit on the same side of the booth. Inevitably, in our attempt to be less obnoxious, we always chicken out. That night, though, the waitress asked us to sit on the same side of the booth, so she could make sure to be at least six feet from both of us at all times.

We talked about our relationship, we laughed, I thought everything was normal. I knew that he was going to propose sometime this summer, but once my plane had landed the day before, honestly? All expectation had entirely melted, and I was completely present to just being with him (and his awesome family).

We told the waitress that we were celebrating our marriage that was going to happen in a year, and she gave us free chocolate covered strawberries (despite being confused that we weren't engaged yet). It was great.

We got in the car, and were supposedly going to a chocolate store.

"Which one do you want to go to? Downtown, or the factory one?"

"Factory one."

"Oh yeah. That one's better."

Colin turned into a sketchy, run-down parking lot.

"What are you doing? This definitely isn't--"

"Do you trust me?"

I started freaking out, in the best possible way, as he blindfolded me. We drove a bit, parked, and he told me that we were crossing the street. We decided that I should keep my eyes closed, sans blindfold, so that no one called the police.

We crossed the street, walked up the stairs, and into a building. I smelled fresh wood.

He then proceeded to read me an incredible letter that he'd written to me, about how we stand on the shoulders of giants, and the story of St. Joseph's presence in the past two months of his life, and the story of my ring.

He had prayed to St. Joseph for me, for him, for us, for our engagement, and to bring him a ring.

While I was in Mexico, he'd found a ring, and was about to buy it, when my mom unexpectedly gave him her mom's engagement ring. I say "unexpectedly" because she had shown my the ring a couple months ago, and I said that I wasn't a fan. And I've been pretty chill with the whole ring thing; I didn't make a Pinterest board or anything. Colin is so ridiculously creative, intentional, and knows me so well, that I didn't want to put boundaries on that.

So anyway, my mom gave him this ring. And, with the help of a Catholic jeweler, he designed a new ring using the old ring. Adding more white gold, replacing two tiny diamonds that had fallen out of the ring, and replacing the center diamond, as well as engraving Gaudium et Spes 24:3 on the inside-- he made an old thing, new. And this new ring? It was ready on the feast of St. Joseph.

My maternal grandmother was someone I never knew. I've heard her story and legacy my whole life-- she died when my mom was five, on the way to the March for Life with her husband, carrying her thirteenth child in the womb.

I've thought about her, I've felt her presence missing in my life, and yet also-- totally there. However, with twelve kids, plus a ton of spouses, and a million grandchildren-- I never felt like I would have been very important to her. I'm lost in the middle of (literally, a million) cousins, and I wondered if we would have had a relationship.

But somehow, I've ended up with her engagement ring.

Colin asked me to open my eyes. We were standing in the unfinished Oratory of Mary Magdalene. The first thing I saw was above the altar: gold letters that spelled "BEHOLD, I MAKE ALL THINGS NEW."

If that isn't the thesis statement of our relationship, of God's work in our lives, I don't know what is.

He got down on one knee, and asked me to be his wife. I said YES. In the midst of a chapel still under construction, with walls up but the need to still be adorned with both art and the Eucharistic Presence of Jesus, standing next to scaffolding-- I said yes, not exactly aware of all that we are going to become, but ready for it, nonetheless.

Afterwards, our dear priest friend came in, and he showed us a piece of wood which would go into the gate which would surround the altar. He had Colin write a prayer for me, me write a prayer for Colin, and he wrote a prayer for both of us. The beauty of that moment: we'll be there, our marriage, close to Jesus, always. A couple weeks prior, we had written prayers for each other, which had been placed in the altar (along with many other's).

The symbolism of the gate revealing the tabernacle, making way for the King: that's what we want the standard of our marriage to be.

In this space where the angels and saints come to worship Jesus, where men and women still on earth come and make humble petition and adoration, our names will be, existing to glorify Him, to seek shelter in the shadow of His wings.

Not only do we stand on the shoulders of giants, meaning our parents and grandparents, but also our spiritual parents, our spiritual brothers and sisters, who have interceded for us all of this time, and will not stop until we reach heaven. We stand on the shoulders of those who have fought the good fight and finished the race, who have kept the faith-- not so that we can slack off and coast, but so that we can go even farther and deeper into holiness and the presence of God.

When we got back to Colin's house, both of our families were waiting there to surprise us. More striking, overwhelming beauty: the merging of two domestic churches, supporting us and loving us and celebrating us. The celebration that night was unreal; the love was unreal, as they toasted us and blessed us.

The next day, we went back to the oratory with our families, where we did the rite of engagement with our priest friend. This is essentially a number of prayers for graces during our preparation for marriage, and we stated our intent to marry each other. It was all so, so beautiful.

So! There you have it.

All I could think after it was all said and done was how faithful the Lord is, and that's what I want to every single person's takeaway from our story and from encountering us.

I've been praying for my future husband since I knew how to speak; I've been dreaming of this love and working towards this love for years and years. Father did not miss a single cry of my heart; He's constantly filling me and satisfying me, and leading me to more.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: engagement isn't a graduation from imperfection. We're not here because we've passed some test; the greatest refinement is yet to come.

Young love is so worth it, y'all. Pursuing your vocation, and moving where the Lord calls you, before it all makes sense, while there's maybe still a little bit of fear: He will bless it, abundantly.

We've marveled over these last few weeks how much more peace has entered our relationship since we got engaged. It's incredible: where the Lord calls you, He heals you, gifts grace to you, and restores you.

Men: St. Joseph WANTS to intercede for you, and do crazy things in your life to affirm your masculinity and bring you closer to the Father. Don't be afraid to pray to him. Don't be afraid to take the jump before it's all figured out. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Don't be afraid of how you'll be perceived. Don't be afraid to be counter cultural. Don't be afraid to pursue and claim beauty.

Ladies: He's holding your heart. You don't have to be afraid to respond to what's going on in your life with peaceful acceptance, because He's in control of it all. Do not be driven by the fear of being disappointed or broken, or to go where He's leading you. He's in control, and He's holding you. You don't have to have it all together. He's making sense of every single moment, and He doesn't forget your desire. And as far as men go, there are good men out there, and when the Lord leads you into a relationship? It's not your role to sit back and just let him fight for you. You get to fight for him and with him.

To the hearts struggling with disappointment and emptiness: you already know that Jesus alone satisfies, and even when it's hard, He invites you to trust. I just want to affirm that nothing is wasted. This season is not wasted; He's building something here, and you don't even know how good it's going to be. Not just when you get to heaven; goodness is for here and now.

To the dating couples: relationships are hard. They are hard, and they sometimes hurt. They require your hearts to be turned inside out, just like Jesus's was for us. Dating is just an awkward season! But pressing in and letting the Lord form you in that time, instead of waiting until engagement and marriage to tackle all the big things, is insanely worth it.

Take the risk, take the jump, when the voice of Jesus, the peace of Jesus, calls.

He makes all things good, all things new, and you're not alone. You stand on the shoulders of giants. They're interceding for you.

Wow. And the adventure is only being. He is so faithful.

Okay, that's it for my Ted Talk. I'm praying for you.

Photo credit: Abigail Edmons